"Seek out the Lord and he will provide"

Turns out that my life has been going quite well, although things this year did not start this year, I think I am doing my best to turn my life around. I dont think that perhaps this is going to be the most i see for myself as of yet. For there is yet much of myself to regain from the years I have lost myself. For the times I had failed to take control of my life and let it run amok. Like an unchained beast with a mind of its own, that was my life, spiralling on the brink of disaster doomed on the highway to hell.

All I can say is that sometimes , it takes a really hard knock in the head for someone to snap out of the trance he's in and get to his senses. Since when was I so ignorant to advice that I should feel that I was always misunderstood? Perhaps a part of me still feels some regret to what I am leaving behind. But the better part of me understands that perhaps this is just for the best.

" If you can't even grow petunias, why think of even of roses?" My own few words of wisdom, so far I dont think anyone has copyrighted this, although perhaps that someone might have said it before. Anyway, time to stop being wishy-washy about my life and get my feet on the ground. Time to set up those strong supports in my own life, my own markers. Self-therapy, the best medicine if you are feeling down. Washing myself in the waters of life once more, and reading his holy word, I have been strengthened from prayer and seeking to do his will once more. For does the Lord not choose to bless his followers multiplefold, and can he not see their struggles? For he that does not overlook the sparrow shall not pass me by in my time of need, and thus I shall emerge stronger from my trials.

Throwing aside this mantle I have been wearing of falsehood and deceit, of malingering and of laziness, of sin and respite. I will take the old me and take him to the cross for which I shall nail my sins onto the one who is capable of cleansing them all. And though it pains my heart to watch my savior suffer once more renewed through the wounds that were inflicted upon him many years ago, I regret not, but am grateful that he provides a link back to him through the cross, through Jesus's sovereign promise that has withstood the ages, to be able to have the grace that comes from God through the cleansing blood of the lamb. I am bathed in his blood, and remember my covenant renewed with the Lord. Though I may not be so sure how long this spiritual fire might last, I hope that it will be lasting and impact my life with a change that will help me look back and be reminded of my commitment to my lord and savior.

Confessions of a lost soul.

Ghosts of the past, reflections i find in the present, gazing into the glistening sunset of my future as i watch my boat sail beyond the horizon~

Blame it on my own character, i remember the ghosts of the past which come to haunt me always. Sometimes, i find myself caught by them, and what i've done.

Primary school~
: A childhood bliss? Fun in learning? The emptiness of my own childhood memories, full of nothing but nightmares of overloading homework assignements, accompanied with late nights of study. This was my life in Rulang Primary school, under the unrelenting yoke of my form teacher, Mrs Ong. She brutalised my life with work, i found myself enclosing my life off from everyone, except one friend i had. Vassant, he and I always read Garfield comics from the Life! section daily, we would meet for break, and talk. I remember few other friends than him, we were really close. Then in Primary 5, i was torn from my bossom buddy, when my parents decided to move house to Coronation. They thought the move was good for me, did they ever consider that I was loathe to leave the school of my childhood? I was going to be separated from him, my friend. I was tearful , and I protested much, to no avail. I had to go with the family, but not without leaving my heart behind, in Rulang. I was never really the same kid anymore......I changed school to Henry Park, there i learnt what it meant to be small. I was kicked around, bullied, and taken advantage of. There seemed to be a culture mismatch between me and the guys in school, i was left alone a lot and without many to talk to. Marcus , I am glad you were there, even if not in the same class, for if not i think i should have been very miserable in school. I was too shy to "come out of my shell".

Secondary school: The torn picture of myself.

I moved on to Nan Hua secondary school, studied there 4 years. For the first time in my life, i wanted to be more approachable, and social. I spoke to the girls of my class, and tried to mix with some of them, for i perceived the guys to be a rowdy lot, not fitting my type of friends i wanted. I even took a liking to a certain girl there, my first crush. I tried writing a letter to her, to ask if we could be better friends, through letter writing. I had no intention of harming or hurting her in any way. However, the way she screamed and was appalled by my letter on her desk that day, i shall never ever forget. Some may call this lack of tact. Tact? What would a secondary one student know of tact? i just wanted to know the person i liked more, and this is how she treated me, for i did not know the words to speak to her, so i hoped tha through written language, we might converse better. apparently, some say its really weird behavior. Till this day, i still ponder over it, and hate the stereotypes people cast on actions like this. Motives before action, she had no reason to over react the way she did. The damage done, i did not dare to speak to many others in my secondary school life. I was the school nerd, and had not much friends. I knew tung Sing there, and a few others who i felt were not too bad. 3 girls inspired me there, yue qing, mei shan and lynn. If i ever see you gals again later in life, i must find a way to thank you all for being there for me and standing up for me, especially yue qing. One thing i regretted, i had so little trust in others during that time, that i did not dare state my feelings for another girl i liked. i guess i'll never know what she would have felt. My ego here was close to zero.

Junior college, This far and further in jjc? a long road to walk~

How i look upon the days of my jc years and wish i had done more to make myself more of a success than always a failure. I started off jc life trying to do my best for everything, even mixing around with others and tryign to make friends. Again, i guess i was doing things " the wrong way" . Never would i have thought that i would face the girl i liked in secondary school again, and this time she was trying to be interested in me. I felt it as a mockery, and i pushed her far away, from my already broken heart. It did not need her attention or teasing. I made a few nice friends there, i was very involved in palying basketball, and other things also. However, i was constantly neglecting my studies, there was a period of time i skipped class and it became a habit, i shall always regret to this day the missed classes that i used to take time off to play LAN games and meet people. I first met Nikki in secondary school, in my later years, and i continued to meet up with her, and so our relationship grew, she always considered me to be her kor she never had. I wanted so much to be the brother she never had, yet after a while, my heart drifted closer to her. I thought, this time maybe i could have a chance in love, a first to thisgirl. She ended up with another guy that we met with, her first boy friend. I was broken yet again, and i dunnoe if i had healed or not, yet i continued to help her, as i would as a brother. Just before my NS, I was actually close to her almost like a couple, but not officially, which lasted a short while, my parents broke us apart, and i did not see her for a long while...... I had no choice, my heart again was torn, after so long of workign to be with her, i was forcibly separated.....

Army years, maturing, coming of age.

As all guys are fated to, i was consigned to 1 year ten months of compusory military service. Serve and fuck off. The SAF, my country my soil, my home. This was all a load of nonsense to me, i did not see why i needed that time, to be disrupted from my studies . Considering how my ife was though, i couldnt et into any local uni, and i was in a pitiful state. I think BMT made me appreciate my home a lot, and a lot of things together with that. I met some nice people in my ns life, I moved on to become a military policeman. I felt i could be proud of myself, doing a job that others would not do, or so i thought. In my ns life, i was involved in much gaming, and from there, i met my first gf( if i do not count nikki as my first ) Jiawen was a nice girl, she was there for me to support me when i needed her. However there was one thing about her i felt that was disturbing, i was always trying to push her out of that aura of self-contempt she had for herself. She reminded me in some ways of nikki, yet not so, for there were things about her that were different. We lasted for 9 months, and then, for my own reasons, i broke with her, i felt like i could no longer be with her, for my own reasons.

University life, now and onward i go,though not always in the best way ~

I was accepted into SIM, university of buffalo, under business administration. this time i resolved to make a new beginning for myself, as a uni student. I met a girl who changed my life forever, i think i could say that hers was a relationship that i felt most from , and now i may still not be able to forget her completely. In away, i was so in love with her, i felt she was my one and only, and i wanted to spend my life with her. But in a sense, I may have over treasured her and so done too many things and over reacted much. I lost the one thing that i was trying to keep, because i put my hand into things too much. Now i understand, that to have a relationship, u cant just use ur hand and hold the other's hand for u to clap, it just doesn't work that way. Joanne, whatever u may be doing now, i thank you for this experience, i have lost you, and learnt a valuable lesson , that you taught me. to this end i know that i never stopped loving you, but i know that things were impossible after you went to nie, and then i guess it was my fault for being too overbearing a boy friend. I carried on, in and out of life and realtionships, i met nikki again and helped her, though it was a struggle against myself and my friends and family. Irene came into my life, for a short while, my first older girlfriend i had. But things were not meant to last, and we broke up less than a month being together. If there's one thing i learnt from this, its not to be too hasty to get a relationship, ever. So i shall take my time from now onwards, seeking my own fate and destiny according to how i wish to make it. Whoever may come my way, i hope she will be one who finally is able to accept me and care for me as i have wanted, and to be someone i truly can care for . At this point, my pen stops here. I have my life as it is now, 2 terms have gone by, and i am continuing down this road, uncertain how things will turn out. Friends come and go, and come again. I feel that now in life, i should be thankful, i have indeed learnt much. But now and till i am proven wrong, my life was and has been "Chained Pain under the guise of happiness at times" and i guess thats how i am and will be.

The story of my life~

Look what i got in my magic box~

A box, not just any box
A thing, not really big a thing,
A life , not such a significant life,
Yet important enough to me.

Guess what's in my magic box,
It may tingle, wriggle , or hop.
Dare you take that chance to see,
That which lies inside, a mystery?

Such a gift i was bestowed,
upon a day, not new or old.
To whom shall i say or be thankful to,
Tis one close to my heart, I say.

Does anything last forever?
Can I truly be of use this time?
Yet all this remain but a mystery,
For this magic box I have in my hands

And its here to stay.
Thank you

The nether of hope, the indespensibility of reality, and the dawning of truth.

Would it be that i had never had had another hope, that the unfortunate fate that is assigned to me has to be cast into my hands, burning them as I try to grasp it and take hold of it? My lot in life i feel is sometimes in question, to whom do i seek to bring favour to? Who is my master? The Lord? If it that is to be the case, I've been a pretty darn lousy servant. What have I done to ever prove my worth to him that he could not easily find in another? In this i find no solace to the name i am called. "Christian" , or mini-christ. Hah! What a laugh, what am I doing to become more like the mini-christ im supposed to be? Would a mini-christ be so willing to be delinquent to his father? I dare not say I am proud of who I am.
In a sense, I find myself in the point of my life that i am striving more for myself than for others, for even whatever i do for others seems to end up being a selfish action. For every action there should be a force of counter-reaction to oppose it, said Newton. How selfish a thought! But how right he was! Did he know that he just defined most of us with that single statement? Which of us does not expect to be gratified oen way or another by people around us for what we've done? Let's not even talk about glory-hogging, let's talk about even just recognition for what we did. I , Gabriel Neo have done this. I have done it for good of others. I do not expect anything, your happiness is enough. Isnt it ironical that no matter how much we say, we always use the word "I" in it? That in itself is the very root of our ego. Whenever something goes wrong, how many of you guys would say," Hey , I did MY part, it must be someone else's fault." Why such a self defensive stance? We protect our egos more than we think we do, and that in itself is pride in action. I am proud of what i have done, I am proud i helped my friend, I am proud of my results. Pride is everywhere.
I am but a fragment of myself, walking down this path i call life, I try my best but sometime's its not enough. I dunnoe what's in store for me, I have to get stronger.

~I hope you have the time of your life~ I'm getting scorched by a supernova of memory but i'll heal....

Times like these, i wish that things had been done a little differently. they say a single change effects a whole network of changes that distort things as we know it totally. thinking back of what things were and how life was for me over the past few months, i realise one thing. I've been weak when i tried to be strong. I've been needy when i was supposed to provide support. I've despaired when the time called for me to take courage. And i've acted when the time was right to reflect. Its been one hell of a mess and a mixed up time for me. No wonder my life sucked then.
Recently, talking to my friends and thinking has helped me reflect on my past experiences and has shed light on what i had been doing wrong all along. In a way, the relationship with joanne could have been described as one that was doomed to failure. I didnt spot the early warning signs given to me by my friends. I was too overly giving and kind. I gave in too much and i guess i was taken for granted by the one whom i cared for the most. I should have showed some independance when it was time to rather than always being the one who comes back with an apology or to make things right. I never really told her how i felt inside. I thought that if she loved me, she'd realise that what i had done was a reflection of giving in on my part to the relationship to make things work, and hoping that she in turn, would do the same. I'm not saying that she did not, but at times, i did not always like to be the initiator of things. i find that i;m the one always trying to impress her, but to tell the truth, perhaps i was being too nice when i told her i was being content with her just showing me love and concern. maybe i should have asked for more, or tried to make her understand that when i loved her in the way i did, all i really needed was her undying support for me and appreciation for the things that i'd done. i guess thats why the final blow to me was the most painful of all. when she started to ignore me and be busy with her own things, i cried out for the attention i sought. yes i admit joanne, i am an attention seeker. i crave it, i want it, and i need it. but i tried nto to seem overly demanding or
too pushy. but i guess taht didn't work. things just didnt turn out right. maybe if i was the more patient laid back kind of guy, i might still have been able to accept things but i guess i was not. im not as patient with people as i thought i was before. sometimes i might tend to be a little inconsiderate. even my friends know that. In the end, i guess things dun matter so much any more. its pretty obvious that i will never see or hear from you again. And a recent incident has confirmed this. I cant believe i was so weak...... i guess i have to start building myself into a new man, for myself and for the one i choose to love in future. Thus i start treading on the long road to self-improvement and self-fulfilment as well as development into the man i seek to be. on the way, hopefully i'll find soemone to walk with me, to be by my side like you were, for taht short 3 months that we were together. I'll never forget all the memories that we had, and the good times and things we did. They'll always be with me. But i will remind myself that they are what they are, just memories.
Things are looking perkier for me now, i'm recontacting people i had lost contact with, they are nice people to talk to. i wonder how u are doing. i guess you ahve a lot of nice friends in nie now, who are there to help and support you. I guess that our lives will just go on, and i should look forward, not back. i hope taht if we meet again, that our meeting will not be like our last one, so abrupt and ending with a bad note. i wish u all the best joanne.
~the letter to you that never got out to post~

The inner tears of the heart, shrouded by the guilt of self loathing, and desparate attempts to carry on~ Why must life be such a pill ?

Hi one and all,
Its true that i have not been such an avid blogger, in fact, i should be trying my best to blog more often, for i feel that its a good practice to express one's self in a medium like a blog so that others may appreciate or comment on your works. I'm like anyone else, i seek recognition for what i do, and hope for appropriate criticism as well. no fear if u want to tell me honestly what you may feel about the posts! i dun normally filter tags unless 1. you insult my dignity 2. you insult my friends 3. you insult the one thing that shoud never be insulted more that anything else, you insult my holy father. he is the one who has been there always for me, even at times i may come to him, like a little child, crying out in my despair, he leadeth and guideth me all the way, even in my worst moments. thank you lord Jesus for being my savior!
I'd thought I'd share somethings that have been going on through my life first off. I've started a new term, 5 modules to take, and i'm loving it, its a time for challenges to take my mind off the sad things in my life . I'll be taking on a part time job to earn money back that i have sadly been less than frugal with. I hope to boost my savings to a stable sum so i can have a stable fund for myself for more important things.
Recently, i had a personal moment with my lord and savior. it was a night i just couldnt sleep cuase i was thinking of joanne, and i was crying my eyes out.... they were really sore.. i just kept crying and i even took our couple teddy bear and held it so tight, i was really losing it, i was talking to that bear ...... trying to get myself out of my pain..... I must have fallen asleep for a while, then i woke up, i realised i still had tears in my eyes. I think i was crying in my sleep. Then my heart settled down and i cried to my lord and savior, i told him i needed him more than ever, i told him that i wanted him back in my life, i told him that i wanted to feel him close in my heart and .................. there was an issue at the back of my heart. i asked him about it and requested for it. a simple yet complicated issue. I felt a rush to my soul, i cried out to him, i dun really remember if i understood all that i had said. some of it was just murmurs. Did i speak in tongues when i cried out to him? i dunnoe this for sure, i have prayed about it and asked him to confirm my thoughts with me. but i do not wish to take this chance. It is a serious issue that i do not wish to deal with lightly. I do not wish to be a false testimony. Yet i knew that my heart and soul cried to him that night, and he heard me. this i know. how i cried to him and with what words does not matter. the one thing that does is that i know he listened. and he told me to be strong and carry on, he had a higher purpose for me. I know its still difficult at times for me to say that i totally follow what he had told me that night. but it was a start, that told me that i should not stay in a rut , but to keep moving so i could get out of it.
Anyway, here's my two cents worth of expression:

With words and not pictures,
It trembles and yet not whispers
such are the many thoughts of my head
that press against my cranium like lead
the body of my very being,
it tires like any other for i am but just human
the toil and sweat of the day before
sinking into that of my core
To live a life i feel should be
that which it could and would to be free
My mind, the crucible of thought
a sea of memories, and pieces of me
i choose to express in every breath
in the pulse that eminates out of
the organ we call the brain
Am I living life, or am i just breathing?

Sometimes i wonder if i am a vessel for knowledge or madness.

A time for change....

Hello people,
Its been a while since ive posted anything in this blog, i've been hit by more than just a few things lateley, just wanna rant about them. I've been the unfortunate victim of yet another failed relationship, these things come and go. The pain won't though. Joanne..... you were mine and yet you weren't. At times, I'd wake up at night asking myself why i still loved you. All the times you've not been there, through this recent experience have returned to haunt me and have shell-shocked every fibre of my being to the core. When cupid fires the arrows of love, does he leave it all to chance? sometimes i wonder as much, how he managed to sink an arrow between our hearts in the first place at all. Since you mentioned the start of school, and taht you'd be staying in hall, i had a bad feeling about things to come. i didnt know why it was so, i dismissed it as paranoia. But now i see that it was a revelation of the things that were to take place. Before you began your orientation, i will never forget that night you came over to my place, for the evening. we spent it like any normal meeting, except that was the day i was so in need for you, i poured out my everything to you, you accepted me and held me in your arms. And the moments we spent together that evening, ill never forget. One of the most memorable experiences with you. I remember that day that i told u that we'd be together forever, and that you would be mine. i kissed your neck, and you kissed mine , a silent statement of our commitment to one another. As times and as always, we ended the night with me sending u home, that night, i will not forget that you kissed me and rushed into my arms..... sayign that you would miss me. i knew i would miss you too. it hurt as much as a last goodbye... however little was i to know that it was sort of a farewell for us. It was not in my ability to predict how busy you would be in hall. I knew taht it was a time of testing of the mettle of our relationship and our commitment to one another. I was left alone through your orientation camps and activities, i felt lonely without you. my heart cried for u, so i tried to seek you out. but no all or sms that i gave to you was really replied much...... i guess you were really too busy. it was a difficult thing for me to bear.... i was slowly realising taht you could not make time for me. on that night taht you talked of your projects, i should have nown and grasped the chance to put the relationship on hold and remain as friends first to let us further our studies first. i did not wish for us to take the alternative path, of me feeling neglected to the point that i asked you for a break up. all the words i said, all the hurt i caused..... if i had one chance to tell you again, i would say that i was sorry for it all. I would tell you that i would be willing to just be friends and then later talk abt possible future plans . now it seems almost impossible to get you back. i dunnoe what will happen to you as you go on your life in nie, i know you are pursueing your dream very rapidly and are very determined to see it succeed. i failed to see your passion , your desire and the fierceness of your commitment towards it as your priority. i was impatient, and i lost you because of it. impatience. Even though you were not there for me, it should be right for me to say taht i should have taken the step to say that we would stay friends and then if time would be right that i would then come back. i dunnoe if i can ever take back the words i said in my break up sms...... i know that now even if i waited for you for half of my life, i would still be waiting till you came back into my arms and became mine forever more. i would wait that long. my heart grieves for you every single day we're apart, joanne. words from a broken man, to the one that he loves and still continues to treasure deeply in his heart. I still have all of the stuff you gave to me. they fill my mind with memories of you. i shall never forget you for as long as i live. that we were once the happy couple that could talk, laugh, and be so comfortable with each other. you filled my life with happiness of your presence, and now its gone. if love should take me again and i should fall for someone else, i will not forget what we had for each other. you are the first girl who i have loved so deeply taht my heart has your mark on it. now, begins the age and time for change in my life, im walking alone on this cold bitter road without you by my side. maybe, if fate chooses to, our paths will link back together after the cold long journey, and hopefully i will be able to experience paradise once again with you. I have the 2 tickets in my hand, holding them out for the one i love to take with me to come with me to a land of paradise where we can love each other fully an hurt no more. will you be the one who comes back to take that ticket from me? a question for refrain, in the chained pain of my life, the story of it thus far.