The inner tears of the heart, shrouded by the guilt of self loathing, and desparate attempts to carry on~ Why must life be such a pill ?

Hi one and all,
Its true that i have not been such an avid blogger, in fact, i should be trying my best to blog more often, for i feel that its a good practice to express one's self in a medium like a blog so that others may appreciate or comment on your works. I'm like anyone else, i seek recognition for what i do, and hope for appropriate criticism as well. no fear if u want to tell me honestly what you may feel about the posts! i dun normally filter tags unless 1. you insult my dignity 2. you insult my friends 3. you insult the one thing that shoud never be insulted more that anything else, you insult my holy father. he is the one who has been there always for me, even at times i may come to him, like a little child, crying out in my despair, he leadeth and guideth me all the way, even in my worst moments. thank you lord Jesus for being my savior!
I'd thought I'd share somethings that have been going on through my life first off. I've started a new term, 5 modules to take, and i'm loving it, its a time for challenges to take my mind off the sad things in my life . I'll be taking on a part time job to earn money back that i have sadly been less than frugal with. I hope to boost my savings to a stable sum so i can have a stable fund for myself for more important things.
Recently, i had a personal moment with my lord and savior. it was a night i just couldnt sleep cuase i was thinking of joanne, and i was crying my eyes out.... they were really sore.. i just kept crying and i even took our couple teddy bear and held it so tight, i was really losing it, i was talking to that bear ...... trying to get myself out of my pain..... I must have fallen asleep for a while, then i woke up, i realised i still had tears in my eyes. I think i was crying in my sleep. Then my heart settled down and i cried to my lord and savior, i told him i needed him more than ever, i told him that i wanted him back in my life, i told him that i wanted to feel him close in my heart and .................. there was an issue at the back of my heart. i asked him about it and requested for it. a simple yet complicated issue. I felt a rush to my soul, i cried out to him, i dun really remember if i understood all that i had said. some of it was just murmurs. Did i speak in tongues when i cried out to him? i dunnoe this for sure, i have prayed about it and asked him to confirm my thoughts with me. but i do not wish to take this chance. It is a serious issue that i do not wish to deal with lightly. I do not wish to be a false testimony. Yet i knew that my heart and soul cried to him that night, and he heard me. this i know. how i cried to him and with what words does not matter. the one thing that does is that i know he listened. and he told me to be strong and carry on, he had a higher purpose for me. I know its still difficult at times for me to say that i totally follow what he had told me that night. but it was a start, that told me that i should not stay in a rut , but to keep moving so i could get out of it.
Anyway, here's my two cents worth of expression:

With words and not pictures,
It trembles and yet not whispers
such are the many thoughts of my head
that press against my cranium like lead
the body of my very being,
it tires like any other for i am but just human
the toil and sweat of the day before
sinking into that of my core
To live a life i feel should be
that which it could and would to be free
My mind, the crucible of thought
a sea of memories, and pieces of me
i choose to express in every breath
in the pulse that eminates out of
the organ we call the brain
Am I living life, or am i just breathing?

Sometimes i wonder if i am a vessel for knowledge or madness.