Times like these, i wish that things had been done a little differently. they say a single change effects a whole network of changes that distort things as we know it totally. thinking back of what things were and how life was for me over the past few months, i realise one thing. I've been weak when i tried to be strong. I've been needy when i was supposed to provide support. I've despaired when the time called for me to take courage. And i've acted when the time was right to reflect. Its been one hell of a mess and a mixed up time for me. No wonder my life sucked then.
Recently, talking to my friends and thinking has helped me reflect on my past experiences and has shed light on what i had been doing wrong all along. In a way, the relationship with joanne could have been described as one that was doomed to failure. I didnt spot the early warning signs given to me by my friends. I was too overly giving and kind. I gave in too much and i guess i was taken for granted by the one whom i cared for the most. I should have showed some independance when it was time to rather than always being the one who comes back with an apology or to make things right. I never really told her how i felt inside. I thought that if she loved me, she'd realise that what i had done was a reflection of giving in on my part to the relationship to make things work, and hoping that she in turn, would do the same. I'm not saying that she did not, but at times, i did not always like to be the initiator of things. i find that i;m the one always trying to impress her, but to tell the truth, perhaps i was being too nice when i told her i was being content with her just showing me love and concern. maybe i should have asked for more, or tried to make her understand that when i loved her in the way i did, all i really needed was her undying support for me and appreciation for the things that i'd done. i guess thats why the final blow to me was the most painful of all. when she started to ignore me and be busy with her own things, i cried out for the attention i sought. yes i admit joanne, i am an attention seeker. i crave it, i want it, and i need it. but i tried nto to seem overly demanding or
too pushy. but i guess taht didn't work. things just didnt turn out right. maybe if i was the more patient laid back kind of guy, i might still have been able to accept things but i guess i was not. im not as patient with people as i thought i was before. sometimes i might tend to be a little inconsiderate. even my friends know that. In the end, i guess things dun matter so much any more. its pretty obvious that i will never see or hear from you again. And a recent incident has confirmed this. I cant believe i was so weak...... i guess i have to start building myself into a new man, for myself and for the one i choose to love in future. Thus i start treading on the long road to self-improvement and self-fulfilment as well as development into the man i seek to be. on the way, hopefully i'll find soemone to walk with me, to be by my side like you were, for taht short 3 months that we were together. I'll never forget all the memories that we had, and the good times and things we did. They'll always be with me. But i will remind myself that they are what they are, just memories.
Things are looking perkier for me now, i'm recontacting people i had lost contact with, they are nice people to talk to. i wonder how u are doing. i guess you ahve a lot of nice friends in nie now, who are there to help and support you. I guess that our lives will just go on, and i should look forward, not back. i hope taht if we meet again, that our meeting will not be like our last one, so abrupt and ending with a bad note. i wish u all the best joanne.
~the letter to you that never got out to post~
Thursday, September 4, 2008
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