Blame it on my own character, i remember the ghosts of the past which come to haunt me always. Sometimes, i find myself caught by them, and what i've done.
Primary school~
: A childhood bliss? Fun in learning? The emptiness of my own childhood memories, full of nothing but nightmares of overloading homework assignements, accompanied with late nights of study. This was my life in Rulang Primary school, under the unrelenting yoke of my form teacher, Mrs Ong. She brutalised my life with work, i found myself enclosing my life off from everyone, except one friend i had. Vassant, he and I always read Garfield comics from the Life! section daily, we would meet for break, and talk. I remember few other friends than him, we were really close. Then in Primary 5, i was torn from my bossom buddy, when my parents decided to move house to Coronation. They thought the move was good for me, did they ever consider that I was loathe to leave the school of my childhood? I was going to be separated from him, my friend. I was tearful , and I protested much, to no avail. I had to go with the family, but not without leaving my heart behind, in Rulang. I was never really the same kid anymore......I changed school to Henry Park, there i learnt what it meant to be small. I was kicked around, bullied, and taken advantage of. There seemed to be a culture mismatch between me and the guys in school, i was left alone a lot and without many to talk to. Marcus , I am glad you were there, even if not in the same class, for if not i think i should have been very miserable in school. I was too shy to "come out of my shell".
Secondary school: The torn picture of myself.
I moved on to Nan Hua secondary school, studied there 4 years. For the first time in my life, i wanted to be more approachable, and social. I spoke to the girls of my class, and tried to mix with some of them, for i perceived the guys to be a rowdy lot, not fitting my type of friends i wanted. I even took a liking to a certain girl there, my first crush. I tried writing a letter to her, to ask if we could be better friends, through letter writing. I had no intention of harming or hurting her in any way. However, the way she screamed and was appalled by my letter on her desk that day, i shall never ever forget. Some may call this lack of tact. Tact? What would a secondary one student know of tact? i just wanted to know the person i liked more, and this is how she treated me, for i did not know the words to speak to her, so i hoped tha through written language, we might converse better. apparently, some say its really weird behavior. Till this day, i still ponder over it, and hate the stereotypes people cast on actions like this. Motives before action, she had no reason to over react the way she did. The damage done, i did not dare to speak to many others in my secondary school life. I was the school nerd, and had not much friends. I knew tung Sing there, and a few others who i felt were not too bad. 3 girls inspired me there, yue qing, mei shan and lynn. If i ever see you gals again later in life, i must find a way to thank you all for being there for me and standing up for me, especially yue qing. One thing i regretted, i had so little trust in others during that time, that i did not dare state my feelings for another girl i liked. i guess i'll never know what she would have felt. My ego here was close to zero.
Junior college, This far and further in jjc? a long road to walk~
How i look upon the days of my jc years and wish i had done more to make myself more of a success than always a failure. I started off jc life trying to do my best for everything, even mixing around with others and tryign to make friends. Again, i guess i was doing things " the wrong way" . Never would i have thought that i would face the girl i liked in secondary school again, and this time she was trying to be interested in me. I felt it as a mockery, and i pushed her far away, from my already broken heart. It did not need her attention or teasing. I made a few nice friends there, i was very involved in palying basketball, and other things also. However, i was constantly neglecting my studies, there was a period of time i skipped class and it became a habit, i shall always regret to this day the missed classes that i used to take time off to play LAN games and meet people. I first met Nikki in secondary school, in my later years, and i continued to meet up with her, and so our relationship grew, she always considered me to be her kor she never had. I wanted so much to be the brother she never had, yet after a while, my heart drifted closer to her. I thought, this time maybe i could have a chance in love, a first to thisgirl. She ended up with another guy that we met with, her first boy friend. I was broken yet again, and i dunnoe if i had healed or not, yet i continued to help her, as i would as a brother. Just before my NS, I was actually close to her almost like a couple, but not officially, which lasted a short while, my parents broke us apart, and i did not see her for a long while...... I had no choice, my heart again was torn, after so long of workign to be with her, i was forcibly separated.....
Army years, maturing, coming of age.
As all guys are fated to, i was consigned to 1 year ten months of compusory military service. Serve and fuck off. The SAF, my country my soil, my home. This was all a load of nonsense to me, i did not see why i needed that time, to be disrupted from my studies . Considering how my ife was though, i couldnt et into any local uni, and i was in a pitiful state. I think BMT made me appreciate my home a lot, and a lot of things together with that. I met some nice people in my ns life, I moved on to become a military policeman. I felt i could be proud of myself, doing a job that others would not do, or so i thought. In my ns life, i was involved in much gaming, and from there, i met my first gf( if i do not count nikki as my first ) Jiawen was a nice girl, she was there for me to support me when i needed her. However there was one thing about her i felt that was disturbing, i was always trying to push her out of that aura of self-contempt she had for herself. She reminded me in some ways of nikki, yet not so, for there were things about her that were different. We lasted for 9 months, and then, for my own reasons, i broke with her, i felt like i could no longer be with her, for my own reasons.
University life, now and onward i go,though not always in the best way ~
I was accepted into SIM, university of buffalo, under business administration. this time i resolved to make a new beginning for myself, as a uni student. I met a girl who changed my life forever, i think i could say that hers was a relationship that i felt most from , and now i may still not be able to forget her completely. In away, i was so in love with her, i felt she was my one and only, and i wanted to spend my life with her. But in a sense, I may have over treasured her and so done too many things and over reacted much. I lost the one thing that i was trying to keep, because i put my hand into things too much. Now i understand, that to have a relationship, u cant just use ur hand and hold the other's hand for u to clap, it just doesn't work that way. Joanne, whatever u may be doing now, i thank you for this experience, i have lost you, and learnt a valuable lesson , that you taught me. to this end i know that i never stopped loving you, but i know that things were impossible after you went to nie, and then i guess it was my fault for being too overbearing a boy friend. I carried on, in and out of life and realtionships, i met nikki again and helped her, though it was a struggle against myself and my friends and family. Irene came into my life, for a short while, my first older girlfriend i had. But things were not meant to last, and we broke up less than a month being together. If there's one thing i learnt from this, its not to be too hasty to get a relationship, ever. So i shall take my time from now onwards, seeking my own fate and destiny according to how i wish to make it. Whoever may come my way, i hope she will be one who finally is able to accept me and care for me as i have wanted, and to be someone i truly can care for . At this point, my pen stops here. I have my life as it is now, 2 terms have gone by, and i am continuing down this road, uncertain how things will turn out. Friends come and go, and come again. I feel that now in life, i should be thankful, i have indeed learnt much. But now and till i am proven wrong, my life was and has been "Chained Pain under the guise of happiness at times" and i guess thats how i am and will be.
The story of my life~
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